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Breaking Point..

Sat, 10 Sep 2011 19:56:34 +0100

I think I have depression. =\
I've been feeling more and more like shit each day now.
Thoughts of self-harm have come back. Though I'm not going down that route again..
But that's not worrying me..
The thoughts of suicide are.
And I don't know how to tell Gaz how I feel.
He'll just think I'm being stupid, and childish, and have a go at me for it.
When, as you can imagine, that's not quite what I want to hear.
If ever I did actually manage to pluck up the courage to tell him, and he has a go at me, the one I confided in, I really don't know what I'd do.. =\
I'm really scared to tell him. I know what he's like.
I know so far, I've made him out to be a harsh bastard lol, but he's not. I know he's trying to help, and just doesn't want me to feel like shit, so he'd try and make me see that i'm being silly.. which probably is true, I'm probably just exaggerating everything.. but when you feel the lowest of the low, the last thing you want to hear is that you're stupid too..
I know why I feel like this though.. it's because everything in my life has changed.. and now there are a lot of uncontrollable things in my life, and I like control...
I can't control money, so I can't control food, or bills, or travel, or communication, and therefore can't control means of getting more money.. and so the cycle goes on..
I have plans to fix everything, but I'm still feeling like shit..
I guess it's because I can't talk to Gaz about it, because he doesn't understand.
He just thinks I'm being silly.. as I said before.
He can't comprehend depression. He doesn't know what it feels like.
which is obviously a good thing, yes. but he can't relate.. and sometimes it seems like he doesn't try to either..

Babbling

Thu, 18 Nov 2010 23:13:31 +0100

Decided I'd better update this thing once in a while.. =P

Well, a lot has happened recently!
Firstly, I'm engaged to my loverly boyfriend! (more on that in a mosie)
Secondly, I have a job in Liquid, and I'm loving it! They are all such amazing people, and I love working there in general!
Thirdly, I've now left college, and I think it's the best decision I ever made (second only to agreeing to marrying Gaz)
Fourthly, I'm moving in with Gaz next year! Am so happy!

Righty then!
Onto the engagement!
Well, we've been going out for two months tomorrow, (I know it doesn't seem like a long time, but we've known each other for well over a year now, and spent a lot of time together in that year.), and just under a month ago, he asked me to marry him.
It wasn't your usual engagement, it was me lying next to him in bed, him holding me close, and both of us chatting about our future together.
Then he says these unforgettable words:
Natasha Morris, when the time comes, will you marry me?
Of course my answer was yes!
I was so happy!
I'd always thought of the day I'd get engaged, and I tried to imagine how I'd feel, but I wasn't even close. He took me to a whole new level of happiness. It's like the happiness I'd imagined was to the top of the tallest tower, whereas in reality, Gaz took me to the Moon, had a romantic meal there, and then took me back home safely ^_^
I seriously couldn't imagine myself with anyone else now. Nor would I want to. Ever. Period.

Bathing in Moonlight

Sat, 16 Oct 2010 14:45:58 +0100

This is a message I was sent last night, and I wanted to share it with the world ^_^

"When I think of you I gain inspiration. Your like a Moon. You give off light in the darkest times when I'm blind to see anything, you illuminate my happiness to the point where darkness is just a myth. The moon you are brings me a perfect light to the solitude of the night when all the fears come to haunt. You chase them away with your radiance in the most brilliant and majestic means. You are my air, moon and love. And I'm yours for as long as you'll have me. I love you. Goodnight my darling and i know you watch over me with your serenading moonlight and i will always be your guardian protecting you til my dying day. Xxxxxx"

I read this at 4am, on my way home from work.
Darkness, and silence wrapped around me like a thick duvet, and yet at that moment, I knew I wasn't alone, and that I never will be.
I love this man, and it makes me feel unstoppable when I know he feels the same for me, too.

Being in Love ^_^

Tue, 05 Oct 2010 18:36:39 +0100

Normally, I have the words to say, I can describe things perfectly, and convey exactly what I want to. How is it that now, when I have the perfect feeling to describe, I can't think of the right words?
Maybe words aren't enough.
Or maybe there aren't enough words?
Or maybe I just lack the brain power to actually put them into proper, meaningful sentences... (This is probably closer to the truth).
Well, I think I've finally found the words.
This is my attempt at describing how he makes me feel.

You know in Winter, when it's a dull day, it's freezing cold, and you have some sort of work to do, and you just can't be bothered?
You've already worked a full week, this is the last day, buh you know you have nothing to do at the weekend, so today is the most excitement you'll get 'til Monday morning, when the whole cycle starts again.
You plod through the day, feeling so lifeless. Even though you're moving around, and getting things done, it still feels like you're going nowhere.
You get home, knackered, put on the tv, watch a film or two, do nothing productive, then try to go to sleep.
You get into bed, start to warm up, but it's still too cold outside. You know there's a blanket in the cupboard, but you know you'll lose the heat you just gained. You bear it, get the blanket, and return to bed.
You now try to sleep, but the wind is howling outside, like an angry dog howling at the moon.
Eventually, you fall asleep through exhaustion.
You wake up in the morning, though you're not sure why. There is no reason for you to be up today, yet you get out of bed anyway, hoping to sit in your pyjamas and laze around for the weekend.
You open the curtains.
You stare in awe at the perfect white blanket that has been so carefully placed over everything.
It's so beautiful.
The world has never seemed so bright, yet so still.
For the first time in your life, you take in your surroundings, to their full extent.
Only then do you notice how many Robins there are, hopping around so daintily in the trees.
Even the trees themselves look like they've been outlined with stardust.
You feel so full of energy, so full of life. Your eyes have never been so wide.
You've never wanted to be outside so much in your life.
You get dressed quickly, wrapping up in many layers, though this takes you half the time it did yesterday.
You grab your keys, throw on some old boots, and prepare for the world outside.
You open the door.
That cold chill hits your face, turning your cheeks a rosey red instantly.
The air smells so fresh.
You take the deepest breath you've ever had, and you forget about the week previous. It no longer matters.
You take that first step into the snow, and hear the satisfying crunching it makes.
You feel you're the first person to ever set foot on the world, and yet you've never been alone.
You take another step, and another.
You look behind you to see the steps you've taken, and smile, feeling a sense of accomplishment.
You take more.
You have nothing to do, nowhere to go, but you don't care.
You carry on anyway.
You take in all that scenery around you.
You see little plants that have been there for years, but never noticed before today.
As you walk past, you can smell its sweet aroma, and it lingers for a while.
You continue to walk, making them crunching noises.
Tiny pawprints are along the wall beside you.
Probably a kitten experiencing snow for the first time, you imagine.
The cold chill hits your face again.
A snowflake falls in front of you.
Then another. And another.
They fall so gracefully to the floor, adding to this masterpiece.
Some fall on your face, but quickly melt away, yet you don't wipe the moisture off.
You simply smile, knowing that someone up there gave you those snowflakes.

My boyfriend gave me mine. ^_^

Blaming me?

Mon, 20 Sep 2010 17:43:58 +0100

Dear Dad,

I know that every single boyfriend I've ever brought home, you've felt attatched to because you want them to be the son I never was. I would say 'sorry', but I guess I can't help my genetics. Although I AM sorry for letting you intefere with so much of my life. Maybe then, you wouldn't have been so attatched.
I know that at the moment, you hate me for what I'm doing to my ex, as you feel he is the only one getting hurt, the underdog out of the people directly involved.
This is where you are sadly mistaken.

I have had to deal with breaking up with my boyfriend of a year. I know to you, it seems like I don't care about him, but I do. I never wanted things to be this way. Having to see his face fall so far, when things have always been so good between us, and you have to destroy that. You have to break him, in order for you to stay happy. To stay sane.
Then, I've also had to deal with not being able to tell the majority of my friends what is truly going on, for fear of hurting my ex.
Also, I have to hide my feelings from everyone. I'm so happy to have found what I have, and yet I can't be happy to have it. (It's "morally wrong")
I have to keep everything a secret, and it's killing me.
All the while, you pressure me into going against my feelings entirely.
I know that in your head, this is just a temporary phase, and eventually I'll go back to my ex, and things will be back to normal.
*Wake-up call for Dad*
Not. Going. To. Happen.
I love who I love, and although it may be morally wrong, this is what I want.
Can't you just pretend to be happy for me?
I have found something that makes me feel so brand new, so amazing and on top of the world. It gives me so much confidence, and I feel a change coming on.
Yet you still sit there, reminding me of how much I'm hurting everyone. How much of a bitch I am.

Trust me on this one, I already know, and I've already beaten myself up for it, I don't need you helping.

I hope you see sense soon, and realise that I'm more of a wreck than my ex, and I need all the help I can get at the moment.
If you don't, you'll lose me entirely.

Your choice. x

Bringing out the 'Animal'

Mon, 20 Sep 2010 01:47:00 +0100

It began with just a few simple touches, here and there.
He seemed to love it. His eyes widened, and I saw something in them that I had to have.
I continued, just to see what would happen.
I felt his body heat rise, his heart rate increase, and his breathing become heavier.
I didn't stop.
He warned me not to continue, but I did.
Just one more touch, and he would have no more control over his body.
I did it.
I reached the Animal within.

He grabbed me, and forced his way on top, growling slightly all the while.
He sank his teeth into my neck. (Normally, this would be a normal activity, but this time, it was so intense. Like the man I once knew was so far away.)
His fangs were so sharp, and they went so deep into my flesh.
Like I was the deer, and he was the lion, going in for the killer strike.
I gripped his back, digging my nails in hard, thinking this would awaken him from this state slightly, but it only made him fall deeper.
I remember his voice.
He didn't speak often, but when he did, it was like he was so distant.
So angry, and yet so calm.
I shook.
I'm still not sure now wether it was from pleasure, pain, or fear, but I know I loved it!
I didn't want it to leave.
I wanted him to ravage my naked body, have him take full advantage.
I felt that every touch from him brought me one step closer to orgasm, or death.
I moaned with pleasure, and continued to touch him. Bite him. Tell him that he was still on my leash, when I already knew he wasn't, he was just waiting for the opportune moment to deliver his deadly blow.
I still continued, and wondered how far he'd go.
Then he bit my neck harder than ever, almost taking a chunk.
I shouted 'stop', but it took a while for him to realise what he'd done, then I felt the slow release of his jaw.
Eventually he came round. Slowly. Still growling at first, but then more gently.
The Animal returned.
Caged for another day.
Only I have the key.

And I'm itching to use it again.

Brand New Feeling

Mon, 20 Sep 2010 00:32:16 +0100

Recently, the boyfriend has become the 'ex'.
I've started a new year in college.
I've made some awesome new friends.
One in particular. ^_^ You know who you are.

And that special person, he gave me so much. Confidence; freedom; safety, and in a few years probably liver failure! Haha!
The best feeling he gave me though, was love.
I've never had such an intense feeling before.

I love this feeling. I love him.

But the situation makes it feel so wrong. This is the only thing I hate about our relationship.
I want to be able to tell the whole world of my happiness, and i can't.
It's like I'm a Christian, and I've found proof of Jesus being the Son of God, and I can't tell anyone.
It's killing me.
I know that things won't always be this way, it's just I'm so proud to have him by my side, why should I have to hide him away?

Because of the situation, my dad is being an arsehole. Again.
I don't think he's forgiven me for getting rid of my ex boyfriend.
I can tell you now, he's more in love with that man than I ever was! Jeeze!

Ah well, I know things will be fine soon.
Time heals all wounds.
People will forgive and forget.
I can get on with my life, and I know this brand new feeling will take me to places I've never been before =]
I can't wait to begin the journey. xxx

'Bout time I wrote again...

Sat, 20 Mar 2010 19:10:31 +0100

Helloo ladies and gents, just thought I'd write about the past few months..

Well, me and the boyfriend are still together, XD nearly 8 months now!! =]
My parents and nana are not getting on well at all... Lots of arguements..
I'm dropping one of my subjects in college (AS Pure Mathematics), because the workload is getting ridiculous! Jeeze..
The other subjects are going well, I guess! I got a 'C' in my AS Psychology Exam, and I'm not too happy about that, but I realise it could be a lot worse. =]
My best friend has had her baby: Matthew, and her sister has had hers too: Kaylen. They are both amazingly beautiful boys! So proud of them both!!
Also, I've made new friends, and I've got to know the friends I have better. =]

I've had a few ups and downs, but all in all, it's been a good Winter, methinks. Even the times I've thought were shit, I've got through, and I guess I'm stronger because of it. Good times, man, good times! =]

Been a long time, huh?

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 11:10:28 +0100

I do apologise, people.
It's been soooo long since i last wrote, mostly because i just haven't had the internet, and also because i haven't had time.
Lots of college work to do and stuff..
Well, me and the boyfriend are still together. 4 Months and 16 days, now. =D
College work is ok, not doing too well, but not doing awfully bad, either.
Oh, and I'm finally 18 now!! So I can drink and smoke as much as i want now, legally, anyway, hehe.

I'm thinking of getting a tattoo, but I don't know what of..
So, I'll get an idea first, then see if I still want it in 6 months time, then if I do, get it done. =D
I don't just want to get one, then realise I don't want it anymore.. So I've really gotta think about this.
If anyone has any suggestions for me, either tattoo ideas, or places to go to get it done, then just leave me a comment, and I shall take it into consideration. =]

Back-peddling

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 19:15:08 +0100

Ya know earlier I said everything was fine and dandy?
Well, I've changed my mind..

I'm ill - (I have the sniffles and sneezes, I'm freezing cold, and I have a cough that won't go away)
I have a bad back that stops me from doing ANYTHING
Everyone's been nagging me today
My dad's been patronising me AGAIN!
I've had NO sympathy what-so-ever from friends/family - (I'm being totally ignored, while still being shouted at..)
I miss the Boyfriend and need him here right now!!! Buh he's not even so much as online on facebook. =[
I've still got LOADS of work to do by monday, and if I don't do it today, I know it won't get done at all, but I'm really in no fit state to do anything besides sleep.

I just want to curl up and die.

Sorry for the depressingness...