September 10, 2011
I think I have depression. =\
I've been feeling more and more like shit each day now.
Thoughts of self-harm have come back. Though I'm not going down that route again..
But that's not worrying me..
The thoughts of suicide are.
And I don't know how to tell Gaz how I feel.
He'll just think I'm being stupid, and childish, and have a go at me for it.
When, as you can imagine, that's not quite what I want to hear.
If ever I did actually manage to pluck up the courage to tell him, and he has a go at me, the one I confided in, I really don't know what I'd do.. =\
I'm really scared to tell him. I know what he's like.
I know so far, I've made him out to be a harsh bastard lol, but he's not. I know he's trying to help, and just doesn't want me to feel like shit, so he'd try and make me see that i'm being silly.. which probably is true, I'm probably just exaggerating everything.. but when you feel the lowest of the low, the last thing you want to hear is that you're stupid too..
I know why I feel like this though.. it's because everything in my life has changed.. and now there are a lot of uncontrollable things in my life, and I like control...
I can't control money, so I can't control food, or bills, or travel, or communication, and therefore can't control means of getting more money.. and so the cycle goes on..
I have plans to fix everything, but I'm still feeling like shit..
I guess it's because I can't talk to Gaz about it, because he doesn't understand.
He just thinks I'm being silly.. as I said before.
He can't comprehend depression. He doesn't know what it feels like.
which is obviously a good thing, yes. but he can't relate.. and sometimes it seems like he doesn't try to either..
Posted by Alex. Posted In : Boyfriend
November 18, 2010
Decided I'd better update this thing once in a while.. =P Well, a lot has happened recently! Firstly, I'm engaged to my loverly boyfriend! (more on that in a mosie) Secondly, I have a job in Liquid, and I'm loving it! They are all such amazing people, and I love working there in general! Thirdly, I've now left college, and I think it's the best decision I ever made (second only to agreeing to marrying Gaz) Fourthly, I'm moving in with Gaz next year! Am so happy! Righty then! Onto the engagement! Wel... Continue reading...
Posted by Alex. Posted In : Bits and Bobs
October 16, 2010
This is a message I was sent last night, and I wanted to share it with the world ^_^ "When I think of you I gain inspiration. Your like a Moon. You give off light in the darkest times when I'm blind to see anything, you illuminate my happiness to the point where darkness is just a myth. The moon you are brings me a perfect light to the solitude of the night when all the fears come to haunt. You chase them away with your radiance in the most brilliant and majestic means. You are my air, moon an... Continue reading...
Posted by Alex. Posted In : Brilliant
October 4, 2010
Normally, I have the words to say, I can describe things perfectly, and convey exactly what I want to. How is it that now, when I have the perfect feeling to describe, I can't think of the right words? Maybe words aren't enough. Or maybe there aren't enough words? Or maybe I just lack the brain power to actually put them into proper, meaningful sentences... (This is probably closer to the truth). Well, I think I've finally found the words. This is my attempt at describing how he makes me feel. You ... Continue reading...
Posted by Alex. Posted In : Brilliant
September 20, 2010
Dear Dad, I know that every single boyfriend I've ever brought home, you've felt attatched to because you want them to be the son I never was. I would say 'sorry', but I guess I can't help my genetics. Although I AM sorry for letting you intefere with so much of my life. Maybe then, you wouldn't have been so attatched. I know that at the moment, you hate me for what I'm doing to my ex, as you feel he is the only one getting hurt, the underdog out of the people directly involved. This is where yo... Continue reading...
Posted by Alex. Posted In : Bastards and Bitches
September 20, 2010
It began with just a few simple touches, here and there. He seemed to love it. His eyes widened, and I saw something in them that I had to have. I continued, just to see what would happen. I felt his body heat rise, his heart rate increase, and his breathing become heavier. I didn't stop. He warned me not to continue, but I did. Just one more touch, and he would have no more control over his body. I did it. I reached the Animal within. He grabbed me, and forced his way on top, growling slightly all th... Continue reading...
Posted by Alex. Posted In : Brilliant
September 20, 2010
Recently, the boyfriend has become the 'ex'. I've started a new year in college. I've made some awesome new friends. One in particular. ^_^ You know who you are. And that special person, he gave me so much. Confidence; freedom; safety, and in a few years probably liver failure! Haha! The best feeling he gave me though, was love. I've never had such an intense feeling before. I love this feeling. I love him. But the situation makes it feel so wrong. This is the only thing I hate about our relationship... Continue reading...
Posted by Alex. Posted In : Boyfriend
March 20, 2010
Helloo ladies and gents, just thought I'd write about the past few months.. - Well, me and the boyfriend are still together, XD nearly 8 months now!! =]
- My parents and nana are not getting on well at all... Lots of arguements..
- I'm dropping one of my subjects in college (AS Pure Mathematics), because the workload is getting ridiculous! Jeeze..
- The other subjects are going well, I guess! I got a 'C' in my AS Psychology Exam, and I'm not too happy about that, but I realise it could be a lot worse. =]...
Continue reading...
Posted by Alex. Posted In : Bits and Bobs
December 19, 2009
I do apologise, people. It's been soooo long since i last wrote, mostly because i just haven't had the internet, and also because i haven't had time. Lots of college work to do and stuff.. Well, me and the boyfriend are still together. 4 Months and 16 days, now. =D College work is ok, not doing too well, but not doing awfully bad, either. Oh, and I'm finally 18 now!! So I can drink and smoke as much as i want now, legally, anyway, hehe. I'm thinking of getting a tattoo, but I don't know what of.. S... Continue reading...
Posted by Alex. Posted In : Brilliant
October 10, 2009
Ya know earlier I said everything was fine and dandy? Well, I've changed my mind.. - I'm ill - (I have the sniffles and sneezes, I'm freezing cold, and I have a cough that won't go away)
- I have a bad back that stops me from doing ANYTHING
- Everyone's been nagging me today
- My dad's been patronising me AGAIN!
- I've had NO sympathy what-so-ever from friends/family - (I'm being totally ignored, while still being shouted at..)
- I miss the Boyfriend and need him here right now!!! Buh he's not even so much as o...
Continue reading...
Posted by Alex. Posted In : Bastards and Bitches
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About Me
I'm a random gal with lots to say, as you can see..
I probs won't write every day, but at least once a month, and then you'll get a load at once, :p
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