I think I have depression. =\
I've been feeling more and more like shit each day now.
Thoughts of self-harm have come back. Though I'm not going down that route again..
But that's not worrying me..
The thoughts of suicide are.
And I don't know how to tell Gaz how I feel.
He'll just think I'm being stupid, and childish, and have a go at me for it.
When, as you can imagine, that's not quite what I want to hear.
If ever I did actually manage to pluck up the courage to tell him, and he has a go at me, the one I confided in, I really don't know what I'd do.. =\
I'm really scared to tell him. I know what he's like.
I know so far, I've made him out to be a harsh bastard lol, but he's not. I know he's trying to help, and just doesn't want me to feel like shit, so he'd try and make me see that i'm being silly.. which probably is true, I'm probably just exaggerating everything.. but when you feel the lowest of the low, the last thing you want to hear is that you're stupid too..
I know why I feel like this though.. it's because everything in my life has changed.. and now there are a lot of uncontrollable things in my life, and I like control...
I can't control money, so I can't control food, or bills, or travel, or communication, and therefore can't control means of getting more money.. and so the cycle goes on..
I have plans to fix everything, but I'm still feeling like shit..
I guess it's because I can't talk to Gaz about it, because he doesn't understand.
He just thinks I'm being silly.. as I said before.
He can't comprehend depression. He doesn't know what it feels like.
which is obviously a good thing, yes. but he can't relate.. and sometimes it seems like he doesn't try to either..